ermm

Dua tiga langkah berlari
aku berpaling melihat rindu
bengis mukanya tidak sanggup aku

namun aku mula lesu
ku biar kasih berpaut di kaki
sayang bermanja di hati
sungguh aku tidak sanggup lagi

berdiri di tengah bendang
sawah menghijau
embun malam yang mampir
sejuknya sejuk sekali

bisa aku bicara denganmu? tegur rindu

pergilah jauh
kesian dan belaskan aku
tiada punya apa kecuali bicara lidah
kadang kelat dan kesat
lepaskan aku, aku merayu
kau mau aku sujud padamu?

sujudmu milik Tuhan yang satu, namun aku mahu hatimu

hati ini suda tidak mampu
jasad muda hati yang tua
pernah dibuang diinjak
masa terasa pendek dan singkat
jeling-jelingan yang membalas
aku tidak punya lagi hutang denganmu

dia mengirim aku padamu, hai teruna yang satu

aku bukan lagi milik itu
tahukah kau sang rindu
kisah di balik tabir yang belum labuh
aku bukan dia bukan itu

dia berdiri situ kaku
aku hulur tanganku
aku hulur tanganku
aku hulur tanganku

(22 julai 2002, recited 2006)

This piece plays a very important part in my life, i dont have a title for it, i still dont know why. i recited this poem at a function to a great and beautiful lady, whom i once deeply fell for. i wish her all of happiness in life, and i hope i will find mine as well. till next time.

Labuan

just came back from labuan (and kk) yesterday. the whole week at labuan was a bit dull. i was involved in a joint organized course with mmea & us coast guard. we sent 16 of our young officers for the 4days-course.

i was just sitting there listening to them mumbling something about something. but i did my part. i've already sent my report to the big guys upstairs. just a simple 5 page evaluation report on the course based on the findings from the participants.

the trainers are professionals from the u.s coast guards. they're a bunch of good n funny people. they called themselves the A-Team, consisting of Andrew, Abraham, and Amanda.

the food was great, (i think i gain a good 1kg), the hotel was so so la. my aircond the first 2 days were hangkang, (abis gas). told it at the reception early on, only on day 2 an electrician came and stuff the can with more gas. and then the bath tub was missing the cork (penyumbat) for the hole. i asked for a spare, they dont have one. i improvise, i used the glass cup. dapat la mandi berendam lama2 hua3.

later on i decided to go to the airport and change my flight to depart from kk. added another extra rm50. have the chance to meet some friends, miss u bebeh hahaha.

the last night at labuan me and a few of the young officers went to the hotel's pub, nothing fancy, just sitting down listening to some great music. they played sweet child of mine from GnR, the guitarist was awesome! 20minutes in, i called it a night and went upstairs to bed. tinguk tv lg bagus.

sempat tinguk wayang salt di suria sabah, buli2 la. sempat lagi dinner d aesha corner dan jesselton point. pack juga la jadual. flight pagi ahad si mamat (aka habibz jewels) tolong hantar p airport, flight smooth la, azmi ambik dekat erl, terus bawa dia sarapan, terus balik rumah sakit perut mau birak hahaahaha. punya banyak kain mau cuci. aah malas, ndapa mesin juga cuci heeh. till next time.

needs vs wants

i opened up my closet and saw a handful of jackets. i looked up and there're 4 pairs of boots on top of the closet. i have these somewhat crazy cravings for jackets and boots. i like watches very very much too, but to date i only have two, i'm saving up for a tag or a montblanc. aside from motorcycles, these are the things i need most. sorry, correction, i want most hehe.

for me personally, its kinda hard to fight these cravings. but its even harder to accept the fact that i know the difference between needs and wants. but as a human being, i'm not perfect and almost always succumbed to the latter.

it baffles me sometimes, the nature of men (and women) to intentionally, subconsciously or not, go for the negative. i need a car, and i want a honda. i need jeans, it has to be a levi's. i need a gf, she has to be this and that.

all i'm saying is that, we cant fight what we are. but i believe we can control what we want to become. but dont mind me, i'm all talk haha. i thought i saw a nice boot at timberland the other day, guess i'll pay them a visit hehe no la. till next time.

The truth about boys

If you’re reading this, best be aware and a form or warning is bestowed beforehand. For this will be raw, unedited and perhaps offensive to some. But those reasons have never stopped a good read before and i assure you, they won’t stop it now.

Nothing can be further from the truth with the cliché statement ‘boys will be boys’. As boys (normal ones) we like shiny stuffs with wheels. We typically like cars, motorbikes, monsters on wheels, but let’s leave out cart wheels and wheelchairs on this one. I for one can drool upon a shiny harley-davidson fatboy for hours and still can’t get enough, I don’t know why, it’s just in me.

Toys aren’t only for girls. We like them too, GI Joe’s stuffs but definitely not barbies. I would someday like to have in my house a big wall with shelves filled with kick-ass toys from mcFarlanes, old movie posters, sports trophies of past winnings (ada ka? haha).
In general boys like sports, even the ‘kaki bangku’ would enjoy watching the world cup, or a couch potato can enjoy a game of basketball on tv. So don’t mind us, come world cup, turning into mindless zombies worshipping the tv (thank God for astro).

We like girls, especially the pretty ones. I’m not being shallow, it’s just the facts. The truth is we (boys and girls alike) love to look at beautiful things. Women above all else literally live by this very principle. Look at the local and foreign magazines, ads on tv, most are aimed at women. And surprise surprise who’s there on the cover? A very pretty girl in a pretty dress with a pretty make-up. Hey, I’m just pointing out the facts.

Most boys are not hypocrites. One can be more outspoken than the other but we practically have the same understanding. For example, me and a friend are sitting down somewhere and came pass us this hot-in-heels-head-turning-brunette. Our eyes seemed to be glued with her movement until she walked-off the corner. Now, for the outspoken me, I’d directly say to my friend ‘damn! What a smoking babe’. For the more introvert him, he’d give me a nod and a little grin. He will never say ‘I don’t think so’ and kept his real opinion from me. We are a very direct creature, regardless our state of personality.

I’m sure all of us have met with a situation where a bunch of people in a group would make noises and jokes and gave out big laughs in public. It’s ok for us boys to do it. To see a girl laugh, it’s a pretty sight, to see her laugh frantically in a loud voice in public, it’s horror and a definite turn off. You see, boys like girls simply because they are being girly. Let me put it in a simple statement, boys like girls for their femininity.

Through experience, more bitter than sweet, it has come to my knowledge and understanding, that men are as much as fragile as women. We may have built this exterior wall of confidence, arrogance, indifference and belittlement nature that is so deeply and perfectly embedded into our DNA and our sub consciousness so much so that we believe we are different from women, when truth be told we’re not, and the same can be said of women. Stop hating us for what we are, rough, direct, sweaty, and loud. Instead love us for what we can be, a poet, a dreamer or the occasional lover. till next time.

kau aku dan satu

dalam kalam yang kadangnya terang, kadangnya kabur
bibir ini sentiasa tersasul
dengan nista dan bacul

bicara tidak semestinya selari dengan niat
tangan yang luntur, badan yang kuat menggeliat
lalu inikah yang dipacak dengan nobat
yang hanya tau, besok baru bertaubat

seteguh mana kaki berdiri
manakan bisa di atas angin
robek tiga lapis sang hati
manakan bisa menolak ingin

aku kau satu
namun itu satu masa dulu
di masa bila kita bisa belajar menari dengan angin
menyanyi dengan rindu
berlari dengan sendu dan rayu
kau, peluk aku
tidurmu hanya satu
mimpimu hanya aku
tapi itu
itu satu masa dulu

14 julai 2010 (5.00 ptg)

Ini aku saja2 karang on the spot. tapi hati juga main peranan. bukan apa, manusia tanpa rasa dan hati, kan hanya robot tin kosong, tapi aku rasa aku ni separuh2, cyborg barangkali hahaha

Kenangan

Terkenang-kenang terkejut
siapa itu?
mari dekat padaku
tunjuklah mukamu

Ini aku, nafsu
oh! kau datang tidak tepat waktu
ini aku syahdu
ah! malam sunyi kernamu
ini aku pilu
cis! jangan dekat padaku

JADI APA MAU MU?
wajah yang bermain di kalbu
nyata kau bukan itu
pergilah jangan ganggu aku

TAPI DIA BUKAN MILIKMU
itu aku tau
dia mau begitu
hanya kenangan milikku

5 oktober 2002

Ini aku ingat2 lupa, tapi pasal perempuan juga la, masa KYS juga ni, dia pilih orang lain juga, aku steady rock la, last2 aku nampak dia sekarang sama lelaki cina, nda mau la aku menilai orang, pandai2 nya la hiup.

Semulia Bulan

Ramadan datang menjenguk
suara-suara hitam
tidak lagi kedengaran
angin sepoi-sepoi perlahan

Sahur menyapa aku dari belakang
senyumnya senyum indah
bangunlah isilah
ala kadar untuk bekal

Dingin air pagi
dingin lagi nafsuku

Damai hati ini
damai lagi puasaku

Ramadan menyeru
riang senyumlah
bukalah tanganmu, sambutlah salamku
diturunkan aku padamu
nikmat bulan semulia bulan

Nafsu pergi datang kembali
tutuplah pintu itu!
aku...bukan lagi hambamu

8 Disember 1999 (9.25pm)

Yang ini aku buat time ramadan 99, tangan terasa gatal, tulis2, keluar la yang ni. nda silap aku masa ini aku d shah alam, boring masa tu.

Mawar Larangan

Di mata mu ada tasik
Lemas aku di dalamnya

Di bibirmu ada kasih
Terbuai aku dengan sayangnya

Di hatimu ada cinta
Puas aku merasa madunya

Kasih kau umpama mawar kayangan
Mekar di taman larangan
Dilihat boleh disentuh jangan

Dirimu dilingkari duri-duri tajam
Andai ku genggam
Tumpah, darah-darah halangan
Ku relakan mengalir
Demi kasih
Walau tak kesampaian

1998

Hmmm yang ini aku kurang pasti untuk siapa, atau saja-saja. Pasal tahun 98 aku sedang belajar di ptpl ampang, mungkin awek lama dari sandakan, high school sweet heart la katakan. cinta yag tak kesampaian, baru2 ini aku balik sandakan kawan kawin, malam lepak di waterfront sandakan ka apa ka, sekali kedai tu ada pulak dia di situ, maka dengan gentleman nya aku pun pigi la bercerita tanya kabar apa patut. masih lawa, berdetup hatiku sekejap hahah tapi itu, kisah lama

Air Tenang Yang Kabut

Tenang air
Jangan disangka tiada buaya
Ayu wajah
Usah termakan oleh rautnya

Lautan dalam bolehku duga
Hatinya, siapa yang tahu?

Kailku panjang sejengkal
Dalam hatinya sehasta
Perutku kosong
Dapur tidak berasap
Laut tengkujuh
Laut gelora
Ku kail, ku kail juga

Diayun ombak, dialun nafsu
Dibuai belai senyummu

Berkurung merah, berselendang biru
Kau kah menanti hadir ku?

Pantai, pasirnya putih
Jeti kayunya usang
Putri seyummu menawan
Hadirmu satu kegembiraan
Syukurku hanya pada Tuhan

22 Mac 2002 (10.20 am)

Aku paparkan koleksi puisi ku dari awal ku berjinak dengan pena dan rasa, rambang tidak mengikut urutan masa, sewaal 15 tahun dahulu. Setiap puisi yang aku tulis, lucunya selalu mengambarkan situasi dan perasaan aku waktu itu, dan kebiasaanya kerana seorang perempuan haha. Puisi ini kalau tidak silap masa aku ambil diploma di KYS, aku 'jatuh suka' sama sorang perempuan ni, tapi jinak2 merpati, lepas dapat mau terbang pula, last2 aku biarkan terbang sama merpati lain hahaha

malam ini

malam ini,
seperti malam2 yang lain,
aku bertemankan sunyi

hari ini.
seperti hari2 yang lain,
aku berlagukan sepi

dan saat ini,
seperti saat2 yang lain,
aku butuhkan nadi

emotionally paralyze

it has been a few years since i'm in a serious relationship. through these years i've met with a few lovable characters. they are a bunch of 'sight-for-sore-eyes-and-soul' kinda girls, but i cant get myself to commit. at first i thought it was them in particular, maybe there were something that i found in them that didnt tickle my fancy. i looked at them from a physical and emotional point of view. were there something wrong about their physical attractions, emotional expressions? but no, nothings wrong with them, it was me.

after a while, i started to look at me, and i found my answers. after being hurt so badly in two serious relationships, it left me with an emotional scar. i'm not truly a believer in post-traumatic after effects, not from a broken relationship that is. but i have to admit that is my problem right now. i cant bring myself to love and care for someone at a 80-100% capacity like i used to. i'm down at 20% or less and that scares me, i mean really bad. i dont think i can handle another break up from a serious relationship. and thats why i kept my distance, and not getting too attached from a possible girlfriend, and they hate me for it. (one girlfriend at one time mind you)

but i didnt do this to myself, i was betrayed and was hurt emotionally, and the worst thing is, i dont know how to solve it. till next time

one more for the road

maha suci Allah yang menciptakan sesuatu yang mempunyai dua rasa - manis & pahit pada masa yang sama, itulah RINDU.

i'm not a hypocrite nor am i a liar. truth be told, i miss u, regardless what had happened, i will forever do. life no longer has colors, food has lost its tastes, rain had never been so friendlier. if i may, with or without permission, i want to hold you in my arms so bad, i could almost smell the scent of your hair, feel the touch of your skin.

as long as there is still air in my lungs, my heart is forever yours. forgive me for all the troubles i have put you through, for i have forgiven yours.

reasonz

i read a friend’s blog just recently, she touched a very interesting issue. its about men, crying. yes, men do cry. for obvious reasons actually. and the most celebrated of them all is, because of ‘woman’.

let me jot down the list a few reasons men do cry about. numero uno is woman, second is responsibility, next is acknowledgement, then achievement, and the last one is failure. now bear in mind, before reading further, that this is just one man’s opinion. it may differ from the rest of the flock.

reason 5 - failure

men cry when they felt they have done all the things in the world but yet, still they fail. i’ll draw you one simple scenario, lets say its the 2012 world cup. razak is the manager of the Malaysian team and it has been his long life dream to have the malaysian team to at least qualify for the world cup. he puts everything into it, his blood & sweat, time & effort. at the final game, the score is tie. and all the team needs is one point, just one point to qualify. the final whistle blew. they are forced into the penalty kick-outs. the score is 5-4 and the malaysian team has the last shot. win or lose depends on this last shot. razak decided to put his best player on the green for that life-changing shot. the fans, even the whole country is cheering for the team. but he missed.

they went back to the changing rooms heads down. razak gives a little speech, ‘its ok, its ok. we’ve done good. YOU’ve done great!’. razak went home, he parks his car in the garage. switches off the engine and just sits there staring at empty space. his eyes starts to water, he cries in silent. his wife comes and he wipes out his tears. ‘whats wrong?’ his wife asks. ‘nothing, its nothing’ he smiles back to his wife.

reason 4 - achievement

now the story is similar of the above, we just change it 180 degrees. its the 2012 world cup. razak is the manager of the Malaysian team and it has been his long life dream to have the malaysian team to at least qualify for the world cup. he puts everything into it, his blood & sweat, time & effort. at the final game, the score is tie. and all the team needs is one point, just one point to qualify. the final whistle blew. they are forced into the penalty kick-outs. the score is 4-5 and the malaysian team has the last shot. win or lose depends on this last shot. razak decided to put his best player on the green for that life-changing shot. the fans, even the whole country is cheering for the team. and he scored! they won!

they went back to the changing rooms heads up for the whole nation to see. razak gives a big speech, ‘i’m proud to be your manager. we’ve done good. YOU’ve done great!’. razak went home, he parks his car in the garage. switches off the engine and just sits there staring at empty space. his eyes starts to water, he cries in silent. his wife comes and he wipes out his tears. ‘whats wrong?’ his wife asks. ‘nothing, its nothing’ he smiles back to his wife.

reason 3 - acknowledgement

banto (bukan nama sebenar) is a national footballer. he has good looks, great personality, and a degree in architectural designs from a well known university. his father jalal, a retiree, was a well-known architecture respected by his peers and competitions. jalal sent his son, banto, to study architecture and he passes with flying colors. but upon graduation banto insisted he wanted to become a football player. ho went against his fathers best wishes, which in turns outraged jalal. every tournament he sent his father tickets to watch him play, and every tournamnet his father was a no show.

the year is 2012, the world cup qualifying rounds. at the final game, the score is tie. and all the team needs is one point, just one point to qualify. the final whistle blew. they are forced into the penalty kick-outs. the score is 4-5 and the malaysian team has the last shot. win or lose depends on this last shot. his manager, razak, picked him to take the last shot. if he scores, they win. he breathes heavily, he looks at the empty seat his father should have sat on. he said in his heart ‘this one is for you, dad’. he kicks the ball, the malaysian team qualifies for the world cup, the first time ever in the history of the country.

he went home, every people in his village congratulated him. he gives his father the winning ball, complete with signatures from all the players. jalal throws the ball through the window.

a few months later he was called for a kenduri doa selamat, his brother has just recently graduated from the university. his mother asks banto to get an extra mattress from the store, there is none. banto checks at his father’s studies. he looks around and he sees something familiar. his winning ball that his fahter threw out, was put nicely in a special casing at the top of the shelves, complete with a picture of him taken shortly after he scored the winning goal.

he cries. his dream was at long last, acknowledged, by the only person that matters.

reason 2 - responsibility

this one is by far the heaviest, the great prophet Muhammad SAW, at the end of his days, cries for his ‘ummat’, his responsibility. in his last khutbah he said ‘Demi Allah aku bersaksi bahawa aku telah menyampaikan ajaranMu kepada umatku ya Allah‘.

reason 1 - woman

last but quite certainly not least, men cry, in most cases (we hate to admit it) because of women. now i would looooveee to explain more but i dare not, and i know we all know. hehe.

and if you ever come up to me and ask me, ‘do men cry?’. even after writing this blog, i would’nt admit it even if i were to be condemned to hell haha, till next time.

3 blinks of an eye

3 years, it went by swiftly like 3 blinks of an eye. i've grown to know you, and as fate would have it, i fell for you. i know then, you are already with someone, but the feeling is mutual.

but i have to make you stop liking me, and it worked. and now you are free from the guilt of having feelings for someone other than your boyfriend. i care about you so much, i dont ever want you to be unhappy. i sacrificed my smile so you can have yours.

friends say that what we have is wrong, and i want them to stop saying bad things about you. the only way i know how is by ending it.

but i have to say, i have never met a girl that i can look at every second of the day and still havent had enough. i have never met a girl that makes me feel that every time i met her feels like the first time. i have never met a girl that makes me feel that i belong. till i met you.

thanks for the lovely memories. they say time heals all wounds, but not this one. because i love you then, now, and always.